When the chips are
down the buffalo
is empty.

Love is blind, but
marriage is a
real eye-opener.

I wonder how much
deeper the ocean
would be without
sponges.

Whats the definition
of an optimist? An
accordiion player
with a pager.

One string bass player
was so bad even his
section noticed.

"Of all the things
I've loved and lost,
I miss my mind the
most."

It will be a great
day when our schools
have all the money they
need and the Air Force
has to hold a bake sale
to buy a new bomber.

If I ever get real
rich, I hope I'm not
real mean to poor
people, like I am now.

"Of all the imaginary
friends I've had. I
don't think there was
one that I didn't end
up having to kill."

If con is the opposite
of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?

Ever notice that
when women hold off
getting married, we
call it "independence,"
but when men do, its
called "fear of
commitment"?

You have to stay in
shape. My grandmother,
she started walking five
miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know
where she is.

I have six locks
on my door all in
a row. When I go
out, I lock every
other one. I figure
no matter how long
somebody stands there
picking the locks,
they are always
locking three.

I always wanted to
be somebody, but I
should have been
more specific.

Have you ever noticed?
Anybody going slower
than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.

I had a linguistics
professor who said
that it's man's
ability to use
language that makes
him the dominant
species on the planet.
That may be. But
I think there's one
other thing that
separates us from
animals. We aren't
afraid of vacuum
cleaners.

A lady came up to
me on the street
and pointed at
my suede jacket.
"You know a cow
was murdered for
that jacket"?
she sneered. I
replied in a
psychotic tone, "I
didn't know there
were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to
kill you too."

Home is where you
hang your @.

The e-mail of the
species is more
deadly than the mail.

A journey of a
thousand sites begins
with a single click.

What boots up
must come down.

Modulation in
all things.