Fun Stuff

Two roads diverged
in the woods I took
the one less travelled
and had to eat bugs
until Park rangers
rescued me.

A lawyer is a person
who writes a 10,000
word document and
then calls it a brief.

Blessed are those who
hunger and thirst, for
they are sticking to
their diets.

The only reason I
would take up
jogging is so that
I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I have to exercise
in the morning before
my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

I like long walks,
especially when they
are taken by people
who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my
stomach covers them.

I was going to
buy a copy of
"The Power of
Positive Thinking",
and then I thought:
What the hell
good would that do?

If you ain't makin'
waves, you ain't
kickin' hard enough!

Support bacteria -
they're the only
culture some people
have.

The only substitute
for good manners is
fast reflexes.

If everything seems
to be going well,
you have obviously
overlooked something.

I used to have an
open mind but my
brains kept falling
out.

If ignorance is bliss,
you must be orgasmic.

Proofread carefully
to see if you any
words out.

The things that come
to those that wait
may be the things
left by those who
got there first.

Guy walks into a
bar with jumper cables
around his neck.
Bartender says,
"All right, I'll
let ya stay---but
don't start nuthin."

I love the fair.
There’s nothing like
being stuck on a
Ferris Wheel directly
under a 4-year-old
who’s just downed
a super jumbo
Orange-Julius!

If you tied buttered
toast to the back
of a cat and dropped
it from a height,
what would happen?

"You have two choices
in life: you can stay
single and be miserable,
or get married and wish
you were dead."

Rumor has it that Bill
Clinton's dog, the recently
deceased, "Buddy," actually
committed suicide and then
his dead carcass was dumped
at a different location,
near the Clinton residence
in Chappaqua this week.
His missing AKC papers
were found in Hillary's office...

Ever notice when you
blow in a dog's face
he gets mad at you,
but when you take him
in a car he sticks his
head out the window?

They show you how
detergents take out
bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt
with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your
biggest problem.

Ask people why they
have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you
it's because they're such
beautiful animals. I think
my wife is beautiful, but
I only have photographs of
her on the wall.

Coming through the door
after school one day,
Little Johnny hollers out...
"Okay everyone in the house,
please stand advised that I,
Little Johnny Elvis Smith,
have on this date made a
complete ass of myself in
sex-education class by
repeating stories concerning
storks as told to me by
certain parties residing
in this house!"

People want -
the front of the bus;
back of the church
and center of attention.

Somebody once figured out
that we have 35 million
laws trying to enforce
10 commandments.

If ignorance is bliss,
why aren't more people happy?

I hate sex in the movies.
I tried it once. The seat
folded up and dang near killed me.

I doubt there's any marriage
where the partners don't
quarrel once in a while.
When my daughter was a teen,
she greeted me one morning
with: "I understand you & Mom
had some words last nite."

I replied, "Well... I had some
all ready, but never got a
chance to use them."

"A computer once beat me
at chess, but it was no
match for me at kick boxing."

-Emo Philips-

The nice part about living
in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're
doing, someone else does.

Some people are like slinkies....
not really good for anything,
but you still can't help
but smile when you see
one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going
to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

When ever I feel blue,
I start breathing again.

All of us could take a
lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention
to criticism.

Why does a slight tax
increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took
acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is
weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless
match can start a forest
fire, but takes a whole
box to get the fireplace going?

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and
Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

The only time the world beats
a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom

A husband is someone who, after
taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned
the whole house.

A Humorous look at Family Life

The Clean Jokes only Website!

A clean joke, thats totally amazing!

One of my Favorite Bands

Even though he only had one hit?

Ouch!

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle
...especially in public.

From the Southwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Sarasota couple
who drove to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the lot. The man
sent his wife in to do their shopping and he stayed to make repairs. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near their car. As she
approached, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear made his private parts
glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped
forward, quickly slipped her hand up his shorts and tucked everything safely
back out of view.

On regaining her balance and standing upright she looked across the hood and
found herself staring directly at her husband, who was standing idly by.

The mechanic however, had to have 3 stitches in his head.

TODAYS STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent
tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered
into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights
were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock
bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched
up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue
touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

The Prayer

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just
say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"

BEAUTIFUL

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled
with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children
were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist
who was painting them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in
the line said to the little fella

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When
I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing
her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother.
"Why just name me one thing that's more beautiful than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his
grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles.

Strawberry Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called,
"What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him.
"We put sugar and cream on ours."

Smart old Farmer

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The
pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As
he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a gloriously
attractive bunch of young wimmen skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond. One of the wimmen shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim nekkid or make you get out of the pond.
I only came to feed my alligators."

I Feel Better Already!

A new Census Bureau report says the number of Americans
without health insurance rose 1.7 million last year to an
estimated 43.4 million people. Officials have established
an emergency 800-number which these people can call and
hear a recording say "Your claim is denied" until they can
get health insurance of their own which does this.

Moose Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
without success. Finally, they came up with a
foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
moose costume and learned the mating call of a
female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull,
then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They
set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned
their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Twins

Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband
was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to
have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start
thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and
Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"

Kids

A pregnant mother and her young son were in the checkout lane at the store.
and the cashier asked the boy what the name of the new baby would be.

The youngster looked at her and said, "If it's a girl we're going to name
her Abigale."

Then he looked at the cashier and said, "But I have four brothers
and Mom says if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

Twenty-First Century Words

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group and
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed -- and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting
fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out
obsessively.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to
reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass
with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their
idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The wired generation's answer to the
couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that
ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no
regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.

Swiped-Out: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn
away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to
get a vacation from their jobs. ("We had three
serious students in the class; the rest were just
tourists.")

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other
printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies
from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically
proficient person in an office or work group. ("Ask
Larry; he's the alpha geek around here.")

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
boss rather than working hard.

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are
suspected of planning to leave a company or
department in the near future.

GOOD Job: A Get-Out-Of-Debt job. A well-paying job
people take in order to pay off their debts but plan
to quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that
are annoying but that you find yourself unable to
stop watching. The Elian spectacle is a prime
example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an
electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the
voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing
computer firm. ("You have reached the number of an
uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main
number and ask the operator for assistance.") See
also: Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required
to reach all the appropriate keys for certain
commands. For instance, the warm reboot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control
key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On
key.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed
out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to
split the bill after a meal: ("We owe $10 each, but
all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps.")

The Miracle

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs,
and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the
rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water," said the boy.

Bills

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox
sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract
all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox.
To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a
bear hug and started yanking up.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window.
"I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?

What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square -- 5"x5" is a good size.

2. Divide the card into columns -- five across and five down. That will
give you 25 one-inch square blocks.

3. Write one of the following words/phrases in each square block:

- synergy / dynamic
- strategic fit
- core competencies
- best practice
- bottom line
- revisit
- take that off-line
- 24/7
- out of the loop
- benchmark
- value-added
- proactive
- win-win
- think outside the box
- fast track
- result-driven
- empower(ment)
- knowledge base
- ramp up
- touch base
- mind set
- client focus(ed)
- ballpark
- game plan
- leverage

4. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.

5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players: "I had been in the
meeting for only five minutes when I won." -- Jack W., Boston

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -- David D. Miami

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
-- Sue S., NYC

"The atmosphere was tense in our last process meeting as 14 of us waited
for the fifth box." -- Joseph R., St. Louis

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT! for the third
time in two hours." -- Kathleen L., Atlanta

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.